Book Review: How to Say It for Women

Communication

Book Review: How to Say It for Women

By Angela ⋅ January 14, 2009

Holy information, Batman!

A friend mentioned that the How to Say It books seemed like something right up my alley. One that focused on women seemed even better. The back of How to Say It For Women: Communicating with Confidence and Power Using the Language of Success says it will give you the tools to:

project a powerful image
get you message across
earn the respect you deserve
lead with authority, creativity, and empathy

This book, authored by Phyllis Mindell, is more of a textbook or a reference manual than a book to snuggle up with on the couch. There is a lot of information in this book— some good, some, well, read on.

Let’s start with the good…

How to speak with the “grammar of power”

A good deal of the book focuses on how we, as women, speak. How we don’t accept praise, use “hedges” and feel uncomfortable giving criticism. All of which I agree with. So much so, I wrote an article about the power of the words we choose a while back.

Examples of hedges from How to Say It for Women:

“I’m not sure how strongly I feel about this, but…”
“I guess my question is…”
“I’m not expert on that, but…”
“I just…”
“I may not be right, but…”

How often do we say things like this? All the time. And, what kind of image does project? (Hint: It’s probably not the one you’re going for.)

Go ahead and listen to yourself speak. You’ll start to notice it. I know I do. It takes time to get this kind language. It actually takes quite a bit of work. And, then there’s problem with knowing what it is you should say instead.

Dr. Mindell suggests instead of using “puny hedges,” we should use assertions. So, “I’m not sure how strongly I feel about this, but maybe we should consider a re-edit” becomes “This film will work much better with a re-edit.” See the difference? The latter is the grammar of power; whereas, the former is the grammar of power. This goes on for four chapters.

How to read “like a man”

This chapter particularly intrigued me. The author says that men read for education. They use reading as a means toward accomplishment. Women, on the other hand, read for pleasure. She suggests women should learn to power read—not only use reading as instrument, but also read rapidly while still gleaning the key information. Funny thing, that’s how I read her book (minus the suggested pre-reading index card).

Now, this book was actually published in 2001, and I have to think that through the internet a lot has changed since then (I just used a puny hedge!). I’m certain there are a lot of women (and men, for that matter) who read only for pleasure. I’m also certain there are a lot who never read anything. The internet has changed things for a lot of us. We’re reading blogs (like this one), we’re reading magazines and newspapers online and offline, we’re reading research sites, and links other people tell us about on Twitter. We’re reading a lot of things these days.

But, she might be on to something, nonetheless. People who are well-read are definitely in a better position to succeed.

Now, on to the not-so-good…

How to have “style”

I got a little chuckle out of the section on shoes. She points out, “Young women in America teeter on high spiked heels that restrict their movement today and threaten their future health.” A few sentences later she says, “The woman who really dresses for success understands that freedom comfort, not artificial standards of beauty, dictate the style of her shoes.” Huh. Here’s what I think: We can have style and comfort. There’s absolutely no reason to sacrifice style for comfort.

And, I like “teetering on high spiked heels.” But, now’s not the time delve into that. That’s a post for later.

Other not-so-good points

There’s a lot of talk about Charlotte from Charlotte’s web. I love Charlotte and all, but it got to be a little much.
It is sometimes painfully detailed. If you’re interested in learning the Latin and Greek roots of words (which very well could be helpful) and would enjoy three-quarters of a page on managing your smell, then this is definitely the book for you.
It’s pretty old school. (You probably picked up on that from the shoe quotes.)
It is exceedingly serious – even for me.

Okay, so that seemed like a lot of bad. But, there’s a lot of good to get out of this book. It’s in there, just buried a little deep sometimes. Other chapters I haven’t mentioned yet detail speaking engagements, getting organized, listening, and leadership among other topics.

My verdict: It depends on what you’re looking for. It would be a good addition to your resource or learning library. It’s certainly not a quick read, but if you’re looking for a guide with concrete, in-depth action steps for stronger communication, this is your book.